I love holidays and I love horror movies, so you’d think I’d love a mashup, but you’d probably be wrong. I’m old fashioned and like my Christmas movies to be tearjerkers that remind me that it’s a wonderful life on 34th street down in Whoville! But occasionally a Christmas/horror mashup comes along and gets it right…OCCASIONALLY.
My three favorites may not even be considered horror films to some, but they definitely have elements of the macabre. Here they are and following them are some comments on a list of attempts at scaring everybody away from the most commercial day of the year.
My All-time favorite Christmas Horror movie:
Gremlins (1984)
I know you’re rolling your eyes, but I had just turned the tender age of 21 when I saw this movie and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I saw a boy who couldn’t follow 3 simple rules and the consequences of that fateful error. I saw innocence and cuteness turned to murderous evil. I saw Polly Holliday get catapulted to her death by Billy’s freaking Mogwi (that sounds like a great name for a punk band: Billy’s Freakin Mogwi). I watched as Kingston Falls, might as well be called Mayberry, was under attack by these evil creatures. And the scene of the bubbling swimming pool…OMG! Thank you Joe Dante and Chris Columbus for creeping me out. Thank you Jerry Goldsmith for a quirky cool soundtrack, but most of all thank you Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates for being so darned cute. I watch this film every Christmas…it’s one of my favorite traditions.
I know you’re rolling your eyes, but I had just turned the tender age of 21 when I saw this movie and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I saw a boy who couldn’t follow 3 simple rules and the consequences of that fateful error. I saw innocence and cuteness turned to murderous evil. I saw Polly Holliday get catapulted to her death by Billy’s freaking Mogwi (that sounds like a great name for a punk band: Billy’s Freakin Mogwi). I watched as Kingston Falls, might as well be called Mayberry, was under attack by these evil creatures. And the scene of the bubbling swimming pool…OMG! Thank you Joe Dante and Chris Columbus for creeping me out. Thank you Jerry Goldsmith for a quirky cool soundtrack, but most of all thank you Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates for being so darned cute. I watch this film every Christmas…it’s one of my favorite traditions.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Again, maybe not even a horror movie, but definitely one of the strangest and most beautiful looks at those who are different. And everyone seems to forget the whole point of this story is that it’s a tale of why we have snow…kind of a modern day fairy tale, and I love that. The shots of Edward shaving ice with his scissorhands is still stuck in my mind. There’s a lot this movie explores and explores well. I just include it here because it too is a seasonal view for me.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
No surprise that this is also one given to us by the same man who gave us Edward Scissorhands. For me, I love this one because the music is so amazing and I don’t mean that hyperbolically. It’s complex, boarding on operatic and Danny Elfman’s genius shines through every song (he was the singing voice as well for the character of Jack) and arrangement. I also love the fact that this doubles as a Halloween film as well. Chris Sarandon (the same guy who was the scary vampire in Fright Night and Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride) did the speaking voice of Jack. And it’s probably one of the best love stories you’re likely to see. Another yearly treasure to watch.
Now for a list of mashups that may or may not work for you:
| Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972) A man inherits a mansion that used to be an insane asylum...what could possibly go wrong here? |  |
 | Black Christmas (1974) Many attribute the success of John Carpenter's Halloween with this film, but for me there's no comparison. A bunch of sorority girls and their drama start getting strange phone calls all leading to a killing spree that would ruin anyone's holiday! It's better than the remake, for sure. |
| Christmas Evil (1980) Seeing Mommy getting it on with Dad in a Santa suit as a kid would be enough to snap any boy's dreams of Santa, but in this surprisingly humorous seasonal slasher...that little boy grows up and decides to exact his own version of Christmas vengeance on those he deems to be naughty. Not as bloody as you'd expect, but it was the 80s. |  |
 | to all a Good Night (1980) Girl's School + vacationing dean + boys showing up + psycho killer + rumors of a girl killed during an initiation a year before = a really bad movie with not a single innovative moment. |
| Don't Open 'Till Christmas (1984) This concept would make an excellent Reality show today...someone with very little Christmas spirit is going around killing anyone in a Santa suit. |  |
 | Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) Little Billy's parents die...he gets abused at an orphanage by nuns...flash forward...Someone dressed in a Santa suit is killing people. Hmmmm...wonder who it could be. This IS actually a classic with one of the best deaths ever committed to celluloid...death by antlers! |
| Elves (1989) Here's the story...of a lovely lady...who was busy with some Nazi experimentation...summoned elves...an attempt at breeding...getting trapped in a department store...oh no, who will rescue you? Call in Mall Santa. Yeah...good luck with this one! |  |
 | The Day of the Beast (1995) Actually a really good thriller of a foreign film. It's all about a bishop discovering the anti-Christ is going to be born on Christmas as well and how he tries to prevent it. A little Omenesqu, but still a good view. |  |
 | Satan Claus (1996) not to be confused with Santa Claws (1996) I guess these two movies go to prove all you really need for a green light is a catchy play on words. Or not. |  |
| Jack Frost (1997) Serial killer while being transported to his execution through an incredibly convenient accident with a chemical truck turns into a snowman and goes on a killing spree...sounds a little too much like Child's Play for me. |  |
 | Feeders 2: Slay Bells ((1998) If you enjoy the thought of watching Santa and his elves fight aliens then you may very well have found your Citizen Kane. I personally prefer Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but hey...each to his own. |
| The Minion (1998) The scariest thing about this film is that it actually got made. I'm a huge Dolph Lundgren fan but this movie is amazingly, stupendously unwatchable... sorry Dolph. Loved your exercise video! It's all Millennial apocalyptic crap about a key that unlocks the anti-Christ and Lundgren plays a kind of ninja Templar monk sent to save the day. The only thing "Christmasy" about this film is the setting. |  |
 | One Hell of a Christmas (2003) "Carlitos finds himself entangled in a web of sex, drugs, and Christmas carols". I swear to God I'm not making this up. This quote is directly from the promotional material for this film. It's actually a pretty funny movie. Most of these ridiculous films only have a chance if they don't take themselves too seriously. This one succeeds in that, but fails on so many other levels. |
| Dead End (2003) You may ask after seeing this flick how a film steeped in so many slasher movie clichés could have even come close to being entertaining, but this one is one of those enjoyable B movies we all crave from time to time. YES - there is plenty to whine about, but if you're just looking for a really good bad movie...this is it. I mean come on...even from the title you get the clichés, right? |  |
 | Santa's Slay (2005) This movie shows what might happen if a demon lost a bet with an angel or a movie producer lost a bet with a distributer. But hey...there's a play on words in the title...should be a hit, right? |
| The Gingerdead Man (2005) I have found in life it's a pretty safe bet to stay away from films that have the words "Gary Busey" anywhere on the poster. This film is no exception to the rule. From what I've READ, it sounds exactly like Child's Play...evil guy's spirit inhabits a cookie...that's right...a f*cking cookie...and goes on a killing rampage. Oiy! But again...a catchy title with a play on words and we've got a go! |  |
 | Black Christmas (2006) Recycled dreck. Or should I say re-gifted for our viewing pleasure? |
| Two Front Teeth (2006) Straight from IMDB.com. I just couldn't imagine writing anything better: "It's the night before Christmas and Gabe Snow, a tabloid writer haunted by the Ghosts of Christmas past, is investigating a Yule Tide conspiracy. Gabe knows that Flight 1225 was brought down one foggy Christmas Eve, by a flying creature with a "glowing nose". Now, a blood-sucking Vampire - Santa Claus - has put Gabe on his list and unleashed the demonic fury of the North Pole. An army of zombie elves, who have no interest in Toys or pointy hats or dentistry, are about to turn Gabe's white Christmas blood red. Will Gabe find the true meaning of Christmas? Can he stake a heart that's two sizes too small? What will he find under his tree? " |  |
 | P2 (2007) Basic psycho stalker film set on Christmas eve. Woman works late...stalker security guard...blah, blah, blah. |
| Treevenge (2008) Probably the most original and creative of the offerings listed here. Imagine if the trees we hack down for Christmas all decided one day to have their revenge. This film has everything from subtitled tree dialogue to tons and tons of blood. If that's your thing (as it is mine) you'll LOVE this quirky gem of a film. |  |
 | The Children (2008) Obviously from the title a Christmas vacation gone very bad. Children start turning on the adults. Not a terrible film, but nothing really ground breaking or worth your time unless you're just a fan of the genre. |
| The Blackout (2009) A massive city blackout and stupid people who were dumb enough to move into a building called Ravenwood find they are not alone on Christmas Eve. You can probably guess the rest. |  |
 | Silent Night Zombie Night (2009) Title says it all. |
| Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (2009) Title says it all. |  |
 | Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010) One of the best surprise films of this holiday genre. This is a very Cohen Brother-esque type of film with quirky humor and a compelling story that relies heavily on mythology without spoon feeding you. I definitely recommend it for those with a curious heart for strange humor and a good story! |
| Sint (2010) St. Nicholas as a child murdering Bishop. Probably some of the most artistically done saturation of gore I've seen in a while. It's a Dutch film, so if foreign language films aren't your thing...first...shame on you...and second...watch it anyway. it will surprise you. |  |
 | Silent Night (2012) Santa killing people...and we don't even get a play on words. |
| O'Hellige Jul! (2013) or Christmas Cruelty! This Norwegian film is a gore fest for sure. It's fun to watch as Psycho Santa does his research on his next victims while we see said victims planning their holiday activities. Just a twisted little film with lots of blood and fun. |  |
Okay, that's quite an exhaustive list (I'm exhausted anyway) so give a new film a try and add to your holiday pleasure. Also leave your comments if you can think of any catchy play-on-word titles we can turn into a movie!
For example:
"O, Holy Fright"
or
"Oh Tanen BOMB!"
or
"God Arrest ye Scary Gentlemen"
you get the idea... :)
Scary Christmas, Ya'll!
For example:
"O, Holy Fright"
or
"Oh Tanen BOMB!"
or
"God Arrest ye Scary Gentlemen"
you get the idea... :)
Scary Christmas, Ya'll!
